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$Don\'t worry about the future. I swapped your retirement fund for 5 cords of firewood, some vegetable seeds and a brooding hen.$

$Everyone laughed and called me a fool, but I\'ve spent the past 30 years watching my helium stocks go up!$

$It\'s not my fault that you didn\'t put more stones aside for your retirement!$

$I\'m worried about my investments. My broker has stopped quoting Warren Buffett and started quoting Jimmy Buffett.$

$At age 65, I\'m having my age legally changed to 22 so I can start saving for my retirement.$

$Some people are filthy rich. That\'s why the government wants to take them to the cleaners.$

$I\'m not very smart about investing. When they talk about a \'dip\' in the market, I think they mean me.$

$My husband and I don\'t live together. He lives in Spend City and I live in Frugalville.$

$Salary, stock options and bonuses are nice, but I\'d also like permission to put a tip jar on my desk.$

$If dolphins are just as smart as humans, why aren\'t we investing in underwater shopping malls and teaching them how to use credit cards?$

$On your last day of work, you get to keep all the returnable cans and bottles in the break room. That\'s our pension plan.$