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Doctors

I'm not licensed to prescribe marijuana. Smoke two aspirins and call me in the morning.

I'm at the age where getting lucky means my prune juice is working.

I need an antibiotic. An embarrassing photo of me has gone viral.

I need you to prescribe an antibiotic. My competition is killing me with viral marketing!

Let me know when I get healthy, so I can stop eating vegetables.

Many women fear the word menopause, so I prefer to call it Puberty, Part II.

Procrastinators live longer. When my time comes, I'll just put it off until later.

Follow every word of advice from every medical expert on TV, radio, books, magazines and the Internet. That should fix whatever you have.

When you got caught in the tornado, it twirled your blood sugar into cotton candy.

Follow every word of advice from every medical expert on TV, radio, books, magazines and the Internet. That should fix whatever you have.

I think today is Wednesday, but I'll need to run some tests to be sure.

When I fell in love, I turn into a complete idiot. Is stupidity a sexually transmitted disease?

A comfortable recliner can help you relax before bed. I also suggest you get a decaffinated coffee table.

I didn't know I was pregnant. My office is such a stressful place to work, everyone feels nauseous in the morning!

I respect that you're a vegetarian, but I can't authorize using an artichoke heart for your transplant.

Bicycling is a great way to lose weight. Swallowing bugs for an hour will spoil your appetite.

You have Jethro Tull Syndrome. Too old to rock and roll, too young to die.

My bones are getting softer, but my arteries are getting harder, so it balances out!

We've made a major breakthrough. We've developed an artificial heart that runs on cholesterol!

At first I thought it was trickle down economics, but now I think it might be a weak bladder.

We can't find anything wrong with you, so we're going to treat you for Symptom Deficit Disorder.

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