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I promise not to fire you for being dead wood if you promise to do something about your termites.
This week\'s sermon is about how we all need to simplify our lives. Unfortunately, I lost the whole thing when my computer crashed.
Everyone knows food is bad for you, but I don\'t know what else to eat!
I\'m fluent in several languages. I speak schmooze, spin, evasion, bull and old fashioned common sense.
The sports car and sailboat are investments for my retirement. I\'m using them to attract a younger woman who can support me in my old age.
It's not easy fitting 60 minutes of exercise into my busy schedule. Today I took 360 ten-second walks.
A bunch of us are getting together at my place Saturday night to ignore each other and stare at our phones. Would you like to come?
I\'d like to apologize for asking you to step outside of your comfort zone.
I\'d love to see Elvis perform with John Lennon, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Holly and Keith Moon, but not if I have to spend eternity waiting in line for tickets!
My husband and I used to share a toothbrush. Now we have trouble sharing a planet.
What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?
If walking is the best exercise, how come zombies don\'t look healthier?
Laughter is the best medicine, but there\'s a $50 co-pay.
Good evening, sir! Have you ever wondered what would happen to your family if you failed to buy enough life insurance? Telepathic Telemarketing.
I finally put something aside for my retirement. I put aside my plans to retire.
At summer camp, we learned how to make wifi smoke signals!
The good news - nearly 100% attendance for the Leadership Seminar. The bad news -- now everyone thinks they are in charge.
Your shipment was delivered to the wrong address, so technically, it's your fault for choosing not to live there!
For awesome customer service, press 1. For wicked good customer service, press 2. For intense, mind-blowing customer service, press 3. For better customer service than mortal man is equipped to deal with, press 4.
My longest relationship with a woman? Well, once a customer service lady kept me on hold for 45 minutes.
I was super nice to customers all day. If you really love me, you\'ll let me be rude to you!

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