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Money / Investing

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I reviewed your investments and set you up for early retirement. On your last day of work, you can afford to leave at 4:30 instead of 5:00.
We know how to handle our money. The problem is handling it less often.

When you review your retirement fund then wet your pants and cry -- that's liquidity.
The stock market fell sharply today, then bounced back, spiraled upward, jumped forward, leaped to new heights, tumbled rapidly and took first place in a gymnastics competition.
Bonds are a great investment. I sold a vintage 007 doll on eBay for $900!

Only a total idiot would recommend blue chips. Everybody knows yellow chips taste better with salsa!
If you had taken tomorrow's advice yesterday, you'd be rich today!
Which is a smarter financial move, investing in hog futures or loading up a freezer with bacon when it's on sale?

If you want a comfortable retirement, invest most of your money in stocks, bonds, mutual funds and hemorrhoid cream.
The key to home buying is location. You'll need the money located in your savings account, you'll need the money located in your checking account, you'll need the money located under your sofa cushions......
Of course I give money to those who are less fortunate than me! My limo driver is less fortunate than me, the crew of my yacht is less fortunate than me, my private jet pilot is less than fortunate than me, my personal chef is less fortunate than me....

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This Week’s Cartoons

In my office we celebrate innovation, we celebrate individuality, we celebrate excellence, and we celebrate idealism. Any excuse to party! Take one pill as needed for stress. Throw it over your cubicle and bounce it off the head of an annoying coworker. Cholesterol is a good thing. It helps your arteries from collapsing when you've got the weight of the world coming down on you! They found out what's wrong with my computer.The spell-checker is suffering from exhaustion." Technology Care for some freshly-ground antidepressants in your coffee? I'll probably spend my whole life following orders from somebody. Instead of college, maybe you should send me to Obedience School. We sat in a circle, we had a story, we sang some dopey songs. Is any of this going to look good on a resume?

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