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Money / Investing

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I reviewed your investments and set you up for early retirement. On your last day of work, you can afford to leave at 4:30 instead of 5:00.
We know how to handle our money. The problem is handling it less often.

When you review your retirement fund then wet your pants and cry -- that's liquidity.
The stock market fell sharply today, then bounced back, spiraled upward, jumped forward, leaped to new heights, tumbled rapidly and took first place in a gymnastics competition.
Bonds are a great investment. I sold a vintage 007 doll on eBay for $900!

Only a total idiot would recommend blue chips. Everybody knows yellow chips taste better with salsa!
If you had taken tomorrow's advice yesterday, you'd be rich today!
Which is a smarter financial move, investing in hog futures or loading up a freezer with bacon when it's on sale?

If you want a comfortable retirement, invest most of your money in stocks, bonds, mutual funds and hemorrhoid cream.
The key to home buying is location. You'll need the money located in your savings account, you'll need the money located in your checking account, you'll need the money located under your sofa cushions......
Of course I give money to those who are less fortunate than me! My limo driver is less fortunate than me, the crew of my yacht is less fortunate than me, my private jet pilot is less than fortunate than me, my personal chef is less fortunate than me....

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This Week’s Cartoons

I'm giving you #10 a week allowance. After I deduct part for taxes, your college, your children's college and your retirement, you get to keep 25 cents. Teamwork is vital to the company, Steve. But the rest of us don't think shirts vs. skins is a good idea. We have to stay ahead of our competition. If they lose six million dollars next quarter, then we have to lose seven million! Thank you for calling the Motivation Hotline. If you need a pat on the back, press 1. On Wall Street today, the Dow and Nasdaq did their little dance and everyone pretended that it was very important. My hobbies are drag racing, world-tour golf, extreme football, flying jets, and kickboxing. On my computer, of course. Can't we just talk without you dissecting every word?

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