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Money / Investing

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I reviewed your investments and set you up for early retirement. On your last day of work, you can afford to leave at 4:30 instead of 5:00.
We know how to handle our money. The problem is handling it less often.

When you review your retirement fund then wet your pants and cry -- that's liquidity.
The stock market fell sharply today, then bounced back, spiraled upward, jumped forward, leaped to new heights, tumbled rapidly and took first place in a gymnastics competition.
Bonds are a great investment. I sold a vintage 007 doll on eBay for $900!

Only a total idiot would recommend blue chips. Everybody knows yellow chips taste better with salsa!
If you had taken tomorrow's advice yesterday, you'd be rich today!
Which is a smarter financial move, investing in hog futures or loading up a freezer with bacon when it's on sale?

If you want a comfortable retirement, invest most of your money in stocks, bonds, mutual funds and hemorrhoid cream.
The key to home buying is location. You'll need the money located in your savings account, you'll need the money located in your checking account, you'll need the money located under your sofa cushions......
Of course I give money to those who are less fortunate than me! My limo driver is less fortunate than me, the crew of my yacht is less fortunate than me, my private jet pilot is less than fortunate than me, my personal chef is less fortunate than me....

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This Week’s Cartoons

If at first you don't succeed, eat something then take a nap. Muffin Jackson set a new world's record today, jumping from the floor to the table to the counter to the top of the refrigerator in just 7.3 seconds. Congratulations, Muffin! I'm looking for a compression program that will help me fit a Rottweiler into a Federal Express envelope. First I whimper, then I show them my big, brown, sad eyes. It works every time. My presentation lacks power and has no point. I assumed the software would take care of that! I've got 8 hours invested in this bad mood and I'm not giving up that easily! I have a big pile of mice and birds saved under the porch. I need to rool them over into an IRA.

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