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Job Hunting / Recruiting / HR

The nearest parking garage is six blocks away and our elevators are always broken. That's just part of our ongoing commitment to employee fitness!

I'm offering you a seven-figure salary - $12,325.95.

I need clarification on hiring rules. Am I still allowed to discriminate against morons?

I showed up early for my job interview to show you that I'm a man ahead of his time.

The bad news, we hired someone else. The good news, the videos of your job interview has gotten 7 million views on YouTube.

If you can soar with the eagles, run with the wolves and swim with the sharks, you'll qualify for free veterinary care benefits.

I'll be honest with you. I was terminated from my last job because someone fired me.

We're looking for someone who is smart enough to do the job and stupid enough to take the job.

When I was 6, I was the CEO of a lemonade stand. I had 125 lemons working for me!

I understand you were Phil's imaginary friend 30 years ago. He speaks highly of you and thinks you'd be perfect for the job.

According to your resume, you were an Egyptian Pharaoh in a past life. Have you updated your leadership skills since then?

Will this take long? My five-hour energy shot expires in 17 minutes!

Did you notice I called myself an applican, not an applican't?

I'm not firing you. I'm firing your ringtones.

Where I'm going is more important than where I've been, so I brought you my resume from 2014 through 2024.

You do realize that it would be illegal to discriminate against me just because I'm not housebroken.

I like to begin every performance review with a compliment. Boy, I look good today!

Saying I attended the University of Google sounds better than saying I wa home schooled.

I'd say my greatest strength is my ability to answer cliched questions while disguising my contempt as enthusiasm.

It's not a job skill we normally look for, but it could help us cut our corporate travel budget!

I like to come in at 11:00 and leave after lunch. Surely a progressive company like yours supports flex time!

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