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Assorted Business Topics

I'd like a smartphone, but not an intellectual snob!
We've done a thorough analysis of our situation and have come to the only logical conclusion: The universe finds us amusing and keeps us around for laughs."
Everyone laughed at me and called me a fool, but I've spent the past 30 years watching my helium stocks go up!

I'd say my greatest strength is my ability to answer cliched questions while disguising my contempt as enthusiasm.
A lump of coal will turn into a diamond if you put it under pressure. But I don't have 10,000 years to wait for your transformation.
Please make an effort to get along with your fellow employees. Back-stabbing is no longer covered by our medical insurance plan.

Explain to me again how we can use a 3D printer to make new customers.
They say nothing is impossible, but you make nothing very possible.
You're the only person who isn't afraid to tell me the truth. I value that in a former employee.

To be honest, I know nothing about leading. But it's okay because my team knows nothing about following.
My keyboard doesn't work, my shredder is jammed, my monitor has gone dark and I'm missing a wheel from my chair. Does my cubicle qualify for disability benefits?
If you are headed to the office, today's forecast is calling for 8 to 10 inches of paperwork...

Things always get better after they get worse. So it's good to make things worse as quickly as possible.
I wear two hearing aids. One helps me hear what you say and the other helps me hear what you mean.
My job is exhausting. Every time my boss looks at me, I have to pretend I'm busy!

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