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Job Hunting / Recruiting / HR

I think I found our new Sales Manager. I just paid $500 to read his resume.
I was born May 23, 1987. Since that day, millions of babies have followed me into the world. I'm a natural leader!
We don't pay extra for overtime. If you work more than 8 hours a day, we figure you owe us a volume discount.

Have you ever been arrested for shoplifting? We're looking for someone who can help us steal customers from our competition.
You were my imaginary friend and we had some great times. But I haven't heard from you since I was five years old and now you show up and expect me to give you a job?
Have you ever been arrested for shoplifting? We're looking for someone who can help us steal customers from our competition.

How long have you been an emoji and what can you bring to our corporate communications program?
This office can't function when you're gone. We lost 10 of our biggest clients, 16 people resigned and we filed for bankruptcy while you were in the rest room.
I don't know what sort of salary you're offering, but on my last job I made a lot of dough!

I fired a computer today. Damn, that felt good!
For 20 years, you've been our most valuable intern. Isn't that better than being just another ordinary salaried employee?
We do not have a bias toward younger applicants. It wasn't necessary to write your resume in crayon.

Before we make a hiring decision, we'll be checking your Facebook page for bad behavior. We're looking for someone who would be fun at our office parties.
Our goal is to establish language that is gender-neutral, ethnic-neutral and age neutral, while celebrating our spirt of diversity.
Like any workplace, we have our share of disputes, personality conflicts and bad behavior. Ideally, we're looking for an office manager with previous experience running a daycare.

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This Week’s Cartoons

Teamwork is vital to the company, Steve. But the rest of us don't think shirts vs. skins is a good idea. We have to stay ahead of our competition. If they lose six million dollars next quarter, then we have to lose seven million! Thank you for calling the Motivation Hotline. If you need a pat on the back, press 1. On Wall Street today, the Dow and Nasdaq did their little dance and everyone pretended that it was very important. My hobbies are drag racing, world-tour golf, extreme football, flying jets, and kickboxing. On my computer, of course. Can't we just talk without you dissecting every word? My employees are like a big family. Unfortunately, I can't decide whether to hire a vice president or a nanny.

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